


Nobody Stares at Skeletons Anymore

by Jixico



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, harr harr harr this makes me sad, this fic is somewhat sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-18 23:51:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4724822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jixico/pseuds/Jixico
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> Apparently humanity didn't cope too well with a zombie apocalypse, to absolutely nobody's surprise. </i>
</p><p>Valkyrie and Skulduggery have teamed up to try and survive the zombie apocalypse. So far so good.... probably.</p><p>A human, non-magic, zombie apocalypse AU. But Skulduggery is still a skeleton.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nobody Stares at Skeletons Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> An idea quickly typed out while my boyfriend played Fallout. Unbeta'd.  
> Enjoy!

"Two zombies to your left."

"Right."

"Right."

"Right?"

"Left. Zombies on the left."

"Right. I mean, Okay. Left."

"Glad we got that sorted. Directions, very important. Glad you remember them both."

"The left one is the one that makes an L with the finger and thumb."

He cocked his head at her. 

"Really? That's how you remember it? Wow. I mean, I know it's been a long time since you went to school, but wow."

She scowled at him and cocked her gun.

"I was kidding. I was making a joke. Of course I remember left from right, I'm not a complete idiot."

"Maybe leave the humour to me, Val. My wit? Razor sharp. A good razor. A pre-apocalypse razor. One that was well taken care of. One that actually had a use before every grown man decided to grow himself a beard. Though that probably happened due to a lack of razors, but you get my point. Your wit? A little more like a hammer."

"I'm not that bad." She yelled over the din of unleashing a clip into some zombies' heads. They used to be men with beards. She could tell. 

"You've let yourself slip a little."

The zombies crumpled to the ground, bits of gravel sinking into their soft and rotting flesh. Valkyrie kneeled to rifle through their pockets. 

"If I've slipped it can only be because any company has been less than stellar lately. I haven't seen another soul for days. Aside from you of course, but you're always here." 

"Excuse you, I am the best company."

"You've been a little quiet lately. Hey, this guy's got gum!"

She popped it into her mouth. Skulduggery turned away from her in disgust.

"I wish you wouldn't do things like that. You don't know where that's been."

"Well sorry that I have to eat. Not everyone's as blessed as the great skeleton detective in terms of gastrointestinal nonchalance."

"That didn't really make sense."

"Yeah, I noticed that as I was saying it. I'm trying to remember some big words in case we come across any people. So I can impress them."

He hummed in agreeance, as if that made perfect sense. 

And they continued through the wasteland. It stretched in every direction as far as the eye could see, and further. Apparently humanity didn't cope too well with a zombie apocalypse, to absolutely nobody's surprise. Maybe urban areas seemed a little less totally ruined than horror films anticipated, and more skeletal remains littered the streets, but hey, that wouldn't exactly have been a spectacular special effect that would have increased ticket sales. People were far more interested in seeing zombies getting their heads blown off. And they wouldn't have been disappointed because there was plenty of that. Plenty, even despite Europe's general lack of fire arms. 

Valkyrie didn't really remember where she got her first gun. Maybe from Skulduggery? That wasn't certain. Most of the first months had gone by in an adrenaline pumped, and then PTSD induced, haze. Or blur. Whichever word seemed more terrifying and violent. Meeting Skulduggery made her life easier to live. And zombies easier to kill. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A voice called from somewhere, jerking Valkyrie from her thoughts. She surveyed her surroundings, suddenly frenzied. These trees were unfamiliar, the building, not far ahead, was made of dark bricks and definitely not there before. 

"Skulduggery, when did we get here?" She asked, voice higher than usual.

"What do you mean? Just a moment ago we were a few steps behind where we are now, and before that we were a few steps behind where we were then. And before that we were-"

"No, shut up. We were at a 7eleven just before. I remember, the slurpie machine was still there with the slurpie stuff all melted inside and I drank some and-"

"That was two days ago."

Valkyrie swore. 

"Is this another thing to do with all the traumatic stress stuff? Fuck, am I going to keep forgetting things now?"

"I think you were in a fugue state. You were acting a bit odd. I mostly went along with it. At least you didn't lose any of your guns, or get attacked by a zombie horde or something. Though, that would have been interesting. You did have some funny things to say, which I would rather not share with you. Well, not yet, anyway. I want to embarrass you when we aren't in immediate danger. Maybe on the next one of our long walks."

"What's a fugue state?" She asked, clutching at her head. Skulduggery opened his mouth. 

"Actually, you know what, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

That voice called again. This time the words assembled themselves in her head.

"Hey! Hey you!"

A large woman was pacing toward them, shotgun in hand. Valkyrie looked around her and saw no one else. 

"Who? Me?"

'Nah, I'm talking to the trees! Yes, you, girl! Get your ass over here!"

Valkyrie ambled up to the woman, who only got larger upon closer inspection. She was easily a head and a half taller, with hulking muscles. 

"What are you doing out here?"

Valkyrie just shrugged, barely knowing the answer herself.

"Come on kid, get your ass inside, before it gets dark. You look like you haven't eaten in days. What's with the skeleton?"  
Valkyrie let herself get bustled inside the building which she now recognised as a primary school. 

"He's my friend." She answered, then in hushed tones, "Skulduggery, don't be rude! If she wants to feed me you should be kinder to her. Fine, I can leave you outside if you want, see if there's a zombie dog that wants to chew on you."

The woman raised her eyebrows but said nothing. Valkyrie noticed her stern yet friendly expression was a little more forced than before Skulduggery's remark. Despite the unfriendliness the woman gestured for the both of them to enter before barricading the door behind them.

The room was much longer inside than she expected. Before the big zombie debacle this great brick building was a row of classrooms, only separated by folding dividing walls. They'd been pulled back at some point to create one long room that, had times been happier, might have been used for children's performances or school dances. At the far end was a massive hole in the wall, leading to another room that was filled with books, and had a door which led to another room. Every window was boarded up, and people peered at her from their seats against the walls. Some sat on chairs that were built for people far younger than them, others opted to sit on the floor. 

"Come this way, to the staff room." The woman ordered "And I'll get you a little something."

Valkyrie tailed her with Skulduggery not far behind. The climbed through the massive hole in the wall.

"Something tells me these people have never seen a walking skeleton before."

"What, are you sure? I thought there was something on my face!"

"And you're the one who calls _me_ a goon."

"Sit." The woman said gruffly, and pushed Valkyrie into a chair at a big table. She then started going through their fridge.

"You actually have a fridge?"  
"Yep."  
"Does it work?"  
"Yep, we hooked it up to a generator."  
"Wow."  
"Yep."

She slapped a tall cool glass of water in front of Valkyrie and she immediately started to drool. She took half a moment to admire the condensation on the glass before gulping it down. Soon a baked bean sandwich appeared on a plate next to the water and that too disappeared into Valkyrie's stomach. Her stomach, which started to churn uncomfortably.

"So what's your name, kid?" The big woman asked, taking a seat next to her.

"Valkyrie. And you?"

"I'm Sam. And uh, the skeleton is Skulduggery? Those are odd names."

"We're odd people."

"I noticed…" The woman muttered and Valkyrie screwed her face up.

"That's not very nice." said Skulduggery.

Valkyrie cleared her throat. "You're living pretty well here."

"Yep. We even have a proper pit toilet. It's nice not having to shit in the woods."

"Oh my god, a proper, real toilet? With toilet paper?"

"No toilet paper. Still have to use leaves. Though there's a guy living here who says we should try to raise geese because they're the best animal to wipe your arse with. I don't want to know what he's been doing with his spare time."

Valkyrie laughed. But then she spied the sad look in the woman's eye and her laughter petered out. 

"I don't want to stay." Valkyrie told her, a little later in their conversation. Sam didn't look surprised, just sad. 

"I thought as much. Not many people wander out there if they don't want to. Nearly everyone's found somewhere to sit this all out until it's over by now, if that was their plan"

"Thank you. For the food, and the water."

Sam nodded. 

"You should stay the night. One night of a proper sleep. One night with people watching your back'll be good for you."

"Skulduggery always watches my back when I sleep. He doesn't need to sleep."

"Yep." Sam answered and looked away.

"But I will stay the night."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the pitch dark, huddled against a brick wall, letting the scratchy carpet rub her cheek, Valkyrie silently cried. Skulduggery lay on his back next to her.

"I feel really weird." She whispered to him through her tears. She barely heard her own words, but she knew he would. 

"I feel like they're all staring at me, not you. I'm not a skeleton. Isn't that weird?"

"You didn't use big enough words. You didn't impress them. That's all."

He held out his hand to her, bones glowing slightly as the chinks of moonlight that crept through the boarded windows hit his arms.

She clutched his hand, ignoring how cold, and hard, and thin his bones felt against her fingers. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam saw them off early the next morning. 

The sun wasn't yet up, but the sky was alight with that cold blue glow that came with the chattering of birds. Valkyrie picked a direction and strode off, thinking only of how to find her next meal, and of Skulduggery's witty ramblings. She sometimes answered him, sometimes chuckled, and often just nodded. 

She didn't turn back to see tears course down Sam's face as she watched them leave. Watched a single scrawny girl dragging a picked-clean skeleton behind her on a pallet. Watched the girl chatter away to herself, and listen as if there was a friend with her. 

Just watched, and had no idea how to help.

**Author's Note:**

> Did that ending make you feel bad inside? Let me know!


End file.
